It Sucks To Be Me
by AllieSaysRoar
Summary: The Wicked gang argues over whose life is harder in this Avenue Q-themed songfic!


"Good morning, Boq!" Nessa chirped, catching sight of the familiar Munchkin sitting at a practically idle table on the outskirts of a little café.

The stout easterner barely perked up, giving the slightest side-glance to assure Nessa he was cognizant of the greeting.

"Hello, Miss Nessa," he mumbled into his chilling cup of tea, returning his eyes to their former downcast gaze.

"How's life?" she asked, her tone digressing from its initial zest after the assault of the bleary greeting.

"Disappointing," Boq sighed.

"What's the matter?" the pretty brunette enquired, wheeling over, and taking her place parallel to the small, sulky boy.

Boq pursed his lips, keeping his eyes glued to the table, and considered his reply- selecting his phrasing carefully, as to ensure confidentiality. He ventured forward with a vague answer.

"I feel insignificant. As if it's not even worth the time to bother learning my name."

"Oh," Nessa said softly. "I'm sorry."

"Me too!" Boq muttered, suddenly feeling the need to ventilate. "I mean, look at me! I'm halfway through college- this is my prime! I just figured that this year-"

He abruptly stopped himself short.

Nessa blinked. "What?"

"No, it sounds stupid," Boq replied, his tone acquiring a touch of embarrassed dismissal.

"Oh, come on," Nessa prodded him, reaching forward and giving him a playful nudge; more to ease the tension than anything else. Boq stared at her hand, his countenance once more looking hesitant and considerate. After a moment, he finally succumbed to confession.

"When I first came here, I thought that I'd might…" he began.

"What?"

"Win over the prettiest girl in my sight."

"Oh." Nessa couldn't help but giggle.

Boq narrowed his eyes, offended. "But she barely knows I exist so as you can see, I'm lost."

"Yep," Nessa confirmed, not bothering to acquire the pretense of empathy.

"Oh, well," Boq cerebrated. "It sucks to be me."

"_No_," Nessa protested.

"It sucks to be me," Boq pressed.

"No!"

"It sucks to be short, and over-looked by the girl of your dreams." He heaved a shrug and concluded, "It sucks to be me."

"You think your life sucks?" Nessa asked contemptuously.

"I think so," the Munchkin confirmed.

"Your problems aren't so bad." She rolled her eyes condescendingly; a manner than was unnervingly similar to that of her sister. "Just 'cause I'm pitied, doesn't mean I'm not right!"

"Right!"

"I am pretty, inviting and bright. I am devoted to the Unnamed God's plight! So why, can't I get a boyfriend?! Fuck!" She brought her fist down on the tabletop in emphasis. "It sucks to be me!"

"Me too," Boq added, meekly.

"It sucks to be me! Nessa cried.

"It sucks to be me," Boq reiterated. "It sucks to be Boq."

"And Nessarose."

"To not get the girl."

"To be free from love's throws."

Their gazes met and, almost challengingly, they both chorused, "It sucks to be me!"

The buzz of familiar voices broke through their self-pitiful argument and the two shifted their attention to the approaching party of the renown roommates of Briscoe Hall, who appeared to be indulged in their own hushed quarrel.

"Elphaba!" Nessarose called out to her sister, seemingly interjecting a rather nasty comment before its full delivery was made. The lanky green girl swiveled around, as did her blonde accompaniment, both broken from the spell of bickering. "Can you settle something for us? " She gestured towards Boq- who made a clumsy attempt at waving at Galinda- to clarify the meaning of "us".

"Oh, um, certainly," Elphaba replied.

"Of course!" Galinda smiled.

"Whose life sucks more?" Nessa asked bluntly. "Boq's or mine?"

Elphaba and Galinda exchanged a quick glance and replied in unison.

"Ours!" they concurred, agitatedly.

"We live together," Galinda explained.

"We're as 'close' as people can get," Elphaba added, blandly. "Literally."

"We've been worst enemies," Galinda shot a distempered glance at her roommate who was no longer paying her any mind.

"Ever since the day we met," the emerald woman confirmed.

"And she goes out of her way to make me really upset! Oh, everyday is so horrendable!" Galinda uttered a cry.

"Air-heads like you are expendable," Elphaba muttered under her breath.

Galinda pouted and brought her hands to her hips defiantly, turning to continue her verbal assault on the elder Thropp.

"I hate your face! I hate what you wear!" she declared.

"Oh, yeah?" Elphaba folded her arms and cocked an eyebrow. "You do such anal things like coloring your natural hair." She smirked.

Galinda turned pink and self-consciously brought her hands up to check for visible roots.

"You make that small dorm we share a hell!" she continued, narrowing two carefully plucked eyebrows.

"So do you!" Elphaba accused, losing her composure. "That's why _I'm _in hell too!"

"It sucks to be me!" Galinda shrilled.

"No, it sucks to be me!" Elphaba belted over the blonde's alto squeal.

"It sucks to be me!" Nessa and Boq cried, respectively.

Avaric Tenmeadows, making his way out of the vestibule of the little café, was greeted by the overpowering sound of the cohort's complaints. Curiosity piqued, he called out over the unharmonious choir.

"What are you all screaming about?" he asked.

"Our sucky lives," responded Galinda.

Avaric glanced them over, surprised.

"Your lives suck? Am I hearing you correctly?" He scowled and uttered a bitter laugh. "The musical's fans barely acknowledge me. In fan-fictions I'm always paired with Shen Shen and/or Pfanee! But in the novels I'm relevant to some degree… as a villain! I blackmail Brrr! I have a debut of at least one page! AND THE FANS STILL DON'T KNOW MY NAME! It sucks to be me! It sucks to be me! I say it sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks! It sucks to be me!"

As Avaric stood there steaming, a new figure sauntered over to the group, dark eyes lowered, making a futile attempt to decipher the scrawling on a tattered piece of creased paper.

"Um, excuse me?" the diamond clad boy spoke, turning a few heads.

"Oh my Oz!" Galinda squealed. "It's _Fiyero Tiggular!"_

"Do any of you know where I can find some sort of," he paused, second-glancing the paper. "History class?"

Galinda eagerly zoomed over, succeeding in knocking into and leveling Avaric on her way.

"What are you doing at Shiz?" she chimed, making a real display of batting her eyelashes and playing with her curls.

"Well, I started out in a university back West, but after getting booted out of that one," he chuckled and added, "and at least five others, my parents figured they'd send me North. I doubt it's going to make much of a difference." He flashed the petite blonde a grin, a somatic reply to her advances, and she giggled.

"You're going to need to talk to the headmistress," Boq stated matter-of-factly, wedging himself between the love-struck Galinda and the prince.

"Let me get her," Avaric offered, picking himself- and his dignity- off the ground.

"Oh, great. Thanks," Fiyero replied.

"YO, MORRIBLE!" the redhead belted. Everyone winced.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" a sultry voice with a thick southern dialect rung out from within the confines of a building. A heavily made-up woman burst from one of the doors, her blood red nails making last second touch ups to her explosion of greying brown hair.

"Oh my Oz!" Fiyero exclaimed. "It's Rue McClanahan!"

"That's right, dearie!" Rue made her way over, her crimson robe trailing behind her. "I'm Rue McClanahan from TV's "Golden Girls"! I won an Emmy, but couldn't make my career unfurl. Now I work against the witch born of both worlds-"

"What?" Elphaba interjected.

"Foreshadowing, dear," Rue nodded. "So, I'm here- the headmistress! - at Shiz U.!"

"It sucks to be you!" the students chorused.

"You win!" Nessa conceded.

"It sucks to be you!"

"I feel better now!" Boq laughed.

"Trying having people stop and greet you, 'Hey, Blanche!'" she uttered a lamented sigh. "I'm getting old!"

"It sucks to be you at Shiz U.!"

"Sucks to be me," Elphaba sang.

"At Shiz U.!"

"Sucks to be you," Galinda bewailed.  
"At Shiz U.!"

"Sucks to be us," Nessa and Boq repined.

"But it's just the beginning! It's comparatively good here at Shiz U.! We live here at Shiz U.!"

"It's worse in Act Two!" Avaric interposed.

"Until we turn on you," Rue sang, smiling at Elphaba.

"What?"

"Foreshadowing."

"We live here at Shiz U.!"

"Shouldn't we go into Dancing Through Life now?" Fiyero queried.

"We live here at Shiz U.!"

"You people are cutting into my scene-!"

"We live here at Shiz U.!"

"Here is your dorm key!" Rue slapped the small iron implement on the diamond-lined palm.

"Welcome here at Shiz U.!"


End file.
